Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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