She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
