I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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