If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
