it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
