just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
