I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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