the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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