He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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