don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
