I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
