Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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