i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
