She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
