hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
