My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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