I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
