do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
