the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
