Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
