I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
