made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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