someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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