he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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