Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
