i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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