I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I AM VODKA MAN
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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