I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
