There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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