he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
