after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
