I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
