I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
