Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
