I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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