At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
