The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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