I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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