Swine flu. Run for my life!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
