She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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