Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
