Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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