got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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