i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
