Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
