I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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