Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
