i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
