Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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