I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
