Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
